10. Examples of self-care

In my church there is a lady named Rose who exhibits very little self-care. She is a woman dedicated to the needs of others, has an extremely compassionate heart, and has difficulty saying no. Due to her inability to establish strong boundaries, she is a woman who is often misunderstood and therefore used by others. Because she seems to rarely directly confront, she gets into many frustrating circumstances and is forced to either take care of far more than an average volunteer should have to, or has to bow out of duties, therefore letting some down.  I have learned from Rose to be very direct in what I actually want to do and what I don’t.  Otherwise, people take advantage of statements which are open for debate.  Therefore, if I want to avoid feeling used, I need to emphasize clarity in communication and lay appropriate boundaries.

A good example of self-care is another woman who is close to me named Roberta. Roberta has a very solid relationship with God and tries to pray about everything before she commits to it. She is also very straightforward in her communication; there is no questioning what her intent was. She sets solid boundaries and confronts if she thinks it is necessary. These things help protect her from burnout and preserve self-care.  I can learn how to say no, set up boundaries, clearly communicate, and seek God in all I do from her example.

9. From elementary school until now

My idea of leadership in elementary school comes down to one word: dominance; Dominance by teachers, parents, friends’ parents, older classmates, siblings, and authoritative peers. During the ages of elementary school, there is little freedom from any authority figure- you do as you are told, or you get in trouble. The authority figure, or leader, has all the control in the relationship and there are consequences if you do not bow to their authority. For example, if you disobey your parents as a kid, you are punished; if you do not do as the leader in your group of friends wishes you to do, you are ostracized.

This view on leadership has definitely changed since then. Now I see an effective leader as someone who works with the group’s best intentions in mind. This is harder to see as a child but has become clearer to me as I grow older. An effective leader is respected, not because of their dominance but because of their caring authority, wisdom, and respect of their followers.

The shift in my views began in 5^th grade. I had a Sunday school teacher who told us if we wanted to draw or whisper in class, we could; I was absolutely dumbfounded at his permission and I rarely did either of those during his class because I wanted to please him. I had other church teachers on Wednesday nights who would spend a lot of the time listening to us girls talk- talk about everything. They rarely offered their opinions or judgments and it was a very safe place to share. At that point in life, almost no one else was allowing those same freedoms, I was still dominated over by peers and authority figures, yet those three teachers showed me how you can respect a leader and be respected by a leader. They made all the difference.